new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
