Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
