Are we in a gay sports bar?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
