i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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