I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
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her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize