we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
did i just pee glitter
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
