i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
