Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
