i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Vodka?
Forever.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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