u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
