I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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