Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
