she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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