My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
