Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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