I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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