so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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