I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"