Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
