I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
This Twitter User’s Story About Meeting A Notorious Serial Killer Will Leave You Shook
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
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I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before