I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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