There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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