i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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