I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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