Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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