his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
