I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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