I forgot how hot balto sounded
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
