im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
