I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
