don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
And then he peed in my hair
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