when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
