So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
