i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
There's always time for handjobs
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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