If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
