i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
