please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
