ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.