Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"