come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
