the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
