Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
