just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Randomize
