Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
