is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
