You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
