I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize