I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
