You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
