i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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