is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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