This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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