I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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