so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
