I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
