Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
