I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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