Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
